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Post by Fallen on Sept 10, 2006 23:13:31 GMT -5
Hahahahahahahahaha, I loved that last one Tiggy. I'm definately remembering it for later, it's definately my type of humor. lol
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Sept 11, 2006 9:10:38 GMT -5
;D
Oi Oi Mr Warrior Poet If that one made ya groan then lets have one from you......contribute pleeeez ;D BB Tiggy x
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Post by Fallen on Sept 12, 2006 14:53:09 GMT -5
How many solitary witches does it take to screw in a Light bulb? One.
How many Druids does it take to change a Light bulb? 501. One to change the bulb, and 500 to align the stones.
How many ceremonial magicians does it take to screw in a Light bulb? Just one. He stands still and waits for the world to revolve around him.
How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a Light bulb? Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for us!
How many Pagans does it take to change a Light bulb? Six. One to change it, five to sit around complaining that light bulbs never burned out before Christians came along.
How many witches does it take to change a Light bulb? Depends on what you want it changed into...
How many Buckland witches does it take to change a Light bulb? "Refer to my second book, 'Practical Light bulb changing' by Raymond Buckland..."
How many New Agers does it take to change a Light bulb? (in a sing-song voice)We don't use light bulbs, we just charge our crystals and watch them glow...
How many astrologers does it take to change a Light bulb? Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!
How many Calvinists does it take to change a Light bulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.
How many Pentacostals does it take to change a Light bulb? Ten. One to change it and nine others to pray against the powers of darkness.
How many T.V. evangelists does it take to change a Light bulb? One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your tax-deductible donation today.
How many Alexandrians does it take to screw in a Light bulb? That's the Maiden's job. Maiden- make it so.
How many Asatruar "Nordic pagans" does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. The light from the burning monastery is sufficient, thank you.
How many Gardnerians does it take to change a light bulb? I can't say. It's oathbound.
How many (hereditary) witches does it take to change a light bulb? None ... if a candle was good enough for Gramma, it's good enough for me!
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Post by Fallen on Sept 12, 2006 14:54:37 GMT -5
A skeptic goes in to see a fortune teller.
"You are the father of 2 children", the fortune teller says.
"HA! That's what you think! I'm the father of 3 children!," says the man.
"That's what YOU think," says the fortune teller.
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Post by Fallen on Sept 12, 2006 15:21:24 GMT -5
Online Coven Innitiation.......
Logging 2-14-01 23:01:34 pm EST
HPS: Before we start our initiation ritual, I have an announcement.
Fluffy Moon Ferret has totally burned out her hard drive and probably won't be able to get back on line for at least two weeks. EAST: Darn! She was going to teach us how to make cyber corn dollies
next week :-( HP: Can I suggest that we table this and get down to business? EAST: Yes, sorry. HP: We're about to start the initiation ritual. Is everyone ready? WEST: Present. EAST: Ready. SOUTH: Roger. INITIATE: I am ready.
~~(1 minute pause)~~
HPS: North?
~~(1 minute pause)~~
HP: NORTH?? NORTH: Sorry, I had to reboot. HPS: Ok, we are all here. Initiate, are you skyclad and ready? INITIATE: Not yet--hold on, I need to get a pillow. HP: Pillow? INITIATE: Yes, I have a metal chair here at my desk. OK-- BRB
~~(2 minute pause)~~
INITIATE: Ok, I am ready and skyclad. HPS: Good, now do you have the cord? INITIATE: Yes, I have an orange one I got on sale at the fabric store today, is that ok? HP: It will have to do. OK, now, tie your hands behind your back, then bring the cord up around your neck... INITIATE: Ummm.... I can't do that by myself.. HPS: Do you have anyone there to help you? INITIATE: Only my mom, but she would kill me if she knew what I was doing in here. HP: OK, forget the cord. Do you have the blindfold? INITIATE: Yes, I do. HPS: OK, put the blindfold on and don't peek while we cast the circle. Give us about four minutes INITIATE: OK, I'm going to put the blindfold on now, how will I know when you are ready for me? HP: Do you have an alarm clock? INITIATE: Yes, but it's in my room. HP: Can you go get it? INITIATE: Yes, but I'd have to put my clothes on-- my mom is in the next room HPS: Never mind, just put on the blindfold and count to 240 INITIATE: OK
~~(4 minute pause)~~
HPS: Initiate? ~~(1 minute pause) HP: INITIATE?? HPS: Maybe he got disconnected? INITIATE: I am here-- are you ready for me? HPS: Yes, the circle is cast. Do you have your sword? INITIATE: Sword? HP: Yes, while you imagine that I am holding my sword with the tip against your heart I want you to hold your sword in the same way. INITIATE: I don't have a sword.. HP: Do you have an athame? INITIATE: no.. HP: Do you have anything sharp in there? INITIATE: There's a pen on the desk.. HP: Ok, point the pen at your heart. INITIATE: OK. HP: How do you enter this circle? INITIATE: In perfect love and perfect trust. HPS: Good, now I need to whisper the sacred words to you INITIATE: whisper? HPS: Yes, do you have two phone lines? I can call you with them. INITIATE: No, only one HPS: Ok, I'll e-mail them to you BRB
**HPS has left the chat room** ~~(1 minute pause)~~ **HPS has joined the chat room**
HPS: Ok, I mailed them INITIATE: OK, I'll go look
**INITIATE has left the chat room** ~~(1 minute pause)~~ **INITIATE has joined the chatroom**
INITIATE: I can't get into my hotmail-- I keep getting a message that the servers are down HPS: OK, you can get them later. Now imagine that I am pushing you from behind into the circle INITIATE: from behind? HPS: Yes, kinda like you are tilted, I am holding on to the cord. Oh wait.. no cord.. ok, just pretend I am pushing you into the circle INITIATE: Ok HPS: Now we are going to go around the circle three times. INITIATE: OK
~~(1 minute pause)~~
HPS: Now we're stopping in front of the altar and I am holding the scourge INITIATE: OK HP: You must kneel at the altar while the High Priestess scourges you INITIATE: Do you want me to imagine that I am kneeling in front of the altar or do you really want me to kneel in front of my computer? HP: Can you kneel and still see the screen? HPS: If he kneels he must also put his head down on the floor HP: Well, I guess he can't kneel then HPS: Yes, he can, I have an idea. Initiate--kneel and put your head to the floor and imagine that I am scourging you INITIATE: OK HPS: I am now scourging you
~~(2 minute pause)~~
HPS: Initiate you must now scourge me twice as many times
~~(1 minute pause)
HPS: Initiate? HP: INITIATE??? INITATE: I am here, now what do I need to do? HP: You must imagine that you are scourging the High Priestess WEST: I need to go-- the baby woke up and needs to be fed HP: Can you feed him at the computer? WEST: Yes, I'll bring him back here with me. North, can you cut me a door?
~~( 1 minute pause)~~
WEST: I really need to go-- the baby is crying HP: NORTH?? NORTH: Sorry, I had to reboot HP: Can you cut West a door? NOW? NORTH: OK, all set
**WEST has left the chatroom**
HPS: Ok, should we continue or wait until West comes back? SOUTH: I think we should continue EAST: We should wait
**WEST has joined the chatroom**
WEST: I am back, North can you cut me back in?
~~( 1 minute pause)~~
HP: NORTH!!! NORTH: Sorry, I had to reboot. West you are all set HP: Ok, where were we? HPS: The initiate has to scourge me. I am going to kneel down here now, and imagine that he is plying the scourge INITIATE: Ok, I am imagining that I am scourging the High Priestess
~~( 2 minute pause)~~
INITIATE: I am done HP: Priestess?
~~(1 minute pause)~~
HPS: I need to go right now HP: Why? We are not finished here HPS: I banged my head on the desk when I got up-- hard-- I am bleeding all over my computer. I need to go to the ER for stitches
**HPS has left the chatroom**
HP: OK, we'll make this a healing circle instead INITIATE: I have to go too, my mom is in the hallway screaming and wants to know what I am doing
**INITIATE has left the chatroom**
HP: OK, everyone go light candles and we'll try to do this again tomorrow night
**Chatroom closed**
Logging off 2-15-01 01:32:41 am EST
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Post by Fallen on Sept 13, 2006 1:58:40 GMT -5
~ HISTORY OF MEDICINE ~
2000 BC - Here, eat this root. 1000 AD - That root is heathen. Here, say this prayer. 1850 AD - That prayer is superstition. Here, drink this potion. 1940 AD - That potion is snake oil. Here, swallow this pill. 1985 AD - That pill is ineffective. Here, take this antibiotic. 2000 AD - That antibiotic doesn't work anymore. Here, eat this root.
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Post by Fallen on Sept 13, 2006 2:03:23 GMT -5
You might be a TechnoPagan if:
You call your corners on a cellular phone. You've had to remove candle wax off your keyboard. You charge your ritual tools- with a Visa. You use a remote control in place of an athame. You download your book of shadows. You cast your circle in a chat room. Your familiar is a mouse. You attend ritual skyclad because it's too much trouble to get dressed for a computer. Your Yule ritual involves defragmentation. Your altar cloth is a mouse pad. Your cauldron is a crock-pot. Your cone of power has a surge suppressor. Your magical name, e-mail address, and on-line name are all the same. If you end a circle with Ctl-Alt-Del. Your athame has a SCSI interface. Your OBE's begin with a netsplit. Your ritual robes conceal a pocket protector. You calculate the phases of the moon with Windows '98. Your altar has a keyboard. Your drawing down a circle is a POST (power on self test). You do most of your correspondence by email and sign off with Blessed Be. You don't call it a ritual, you call it a Macro. You have ever attached ribbons to a May Pole using a staple gun. You invite the God and Goddess to come online. You keep a Disk of Shadows (with encrypted backups). You participate in online rituals more than you do FTF. You refer to eclectic ritual as cross-platforming. Your Beltane ritual includes more than one news group. Your candles have batteries. Your deities include Murphy and Gates. Your drumming is done on a CD player (pre-recorded). Your herbs are always mail-ordered (express, overnight). Your idea of a great retreat has a Computer City, electricity, and a TV nearby. Your incense is by Glade. Your magic wand is a laser pointer. Your magical writing is done in binary code or C++. Your pentacle is made of computer chips. Instead of asking what tradition someone comes from, you ask what operating system they run. Your coven is spread over a 12,000 sq. mi. area. Your Book of Shadows has a 6-digit version number. You refer to deities using 3-letter acronyms (ODN, LKI, THR). You do cord magick with ethernet. You ritually down your server for Samhain. When your quarter candles burn out, the UPS backup system kicks in. Erecting the temple entails formatting more than 4 disks. Casting the circle changes an (int) to a (float). Your Star Trek screen-saver signals when your meditation period is over. Passing the cakes and ale entails using a /me command. Your search for truth involves regular expressions. You draw down the moon using a light-pen. Your tarot cards multi-task. Your daemons collect news for you. Your crystal ball has a horizontal-hold control. You refer to solitary practice as a stand alone. You tap into the collective unconscious using a web browser. Your favorite deity has a homepage. The address of your covenstead begins with http:// Your circle is a token ring.
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Sept 13, 2006 4:31:59 GMT -5
WoooooHooooooo! Way ta go Fallen!!!!!!
Thought you said you didn't know any jokes lmao. Loved the last one ;D
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Sept 13, 2006 4:32:46 GMT -5
;D 20 Ways Not to Get Invited Back to a Circle
1. Take the ritual sword from the alter and make sounds like Darth Vader..."Luke, I am your father!"...and start making light saber noises.
2. Start skat-singing when chanting.
3. Take the ritual athame from the alter and start cleaning your nails with it.
4. When taking a sip of the ritual wine, act like a wine snob and comment on it.
5. When doing the spiral dance, make a conga line.
6. Call down the Goddess with "Get your ass down here, Big Momma!".
7. Call down the God with "Our father,who art in heaven..."
8. When chanting the names of the Goddess, randomly include Pokemon names.
9. When being smudged, complain about second-hand smoke.
10. In a drumming circle, laugh insanely and start drumming the beat to "Wipe Out".
11. When in a skyclad circle, randomly point and laugh.
12. When the ritual wine goblet is passed to you, chug it and ask for more.
13. Invoke Satan.
14. Take out a bible and start evangelizing.
15. Light up a cigar.
16. Bring a cute furry creature and offer it as a blood sacrifice.
17. Talk a lot about casting spells for revenge against people who have offended you.
18. At a handfasting say "Thank God! Maybe now i'll get some grandchildren!"
19. When in circle, answer your cell phone.
20. Respond to "So Mote it Be!" with "Amen!"
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Sept 13, 2006 4:44:57 GMT -5
;D Why Women Are Crabby... We started to "bud" in our blouses at 9 or 10 years old only to find that anything that came in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurt so bad it brought us to tears. So came the ridiculously uncomfortable training bra contraption that the boys in school would snap until we had calluses on our backs. Next, we get our periods in our early to mid-teens (or sooner). Along with those budding boobs, we bloated, we cramped, we got the hormone crankies, had to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular, packed cotton rods in places we didn't even know we had. Our next little rite of passage (premarital or not) was having sex for the first time which was about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (IF he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about. Then it' was off to Motherhood where we learned to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we didn't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learned to live with the growing little angels inside us steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we were preparing to have Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies looked like we swallowed a watermelon whole and we pee' d our pants every time we sneezed. When the big moment arrived, the dam in our blessed Nether Regions invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we had to waddle, with our big cartoon feet, moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it was huff and puff and beg to die while the OBsays, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push (more like 10)," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the %*#!* (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb bowling ball through a keyhole. After that, it was time to raise those angels only to find that when all that "cute" wears off, the beautiful little darlings morphed into walking, jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines. Then come their "Teen Years." Need I say more? When the kids are almost grown, we women hit our voracious sexual prime in our early 40's - while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday. So we progress into the grand finale: "The Menopause," the Grandmother of all womanhood. It's either take HRT and chance cancer in those now seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned Nether Regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves. Now, you ask WHY women seem to be more spiteful than men, when men get off so easy, INCLUDING the icing on life's cake: Being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks... So, while I love being a woman, "Womanhood" would make the Great Gandhi a tad crabby. And... Women are the "weaker sex" ? Yeah right!!! Give me a break!!! Bite me!!
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Sept 13, 2006 4:47:21 GMT -5
;D Travelling Priest
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"
Of course! What may I do for you?"
Well, I bought an expensive, electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?
"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie."
"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"
"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"
"I have a marvelous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."
Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father - Next! "
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Sept 13, 2006 13:55:33 GMT -5
;D They know you are Pagan when......
1) When you are sworn into court, you bring your own grimoire.
2) You've been seen talking to cats. They talk back and you understand what they are saying.
3) When asked if you believe in God, you ask, "Which one?"
4) You know what "widdershins" means and what happens when you do it.
5) You have an entire spice cabinet and you don't cook. (You know that laurel and bay leaves are the same thing.)
6) You have a frequent buyer card at the local antique bookstore.
7) You think Mercedes Lackey should be a cultural icon.
8) You know there are exceptions to the law of physics. You've caused them.
9) The first things your guests say is "My, That's a nice...altar...you have there."
10) On Halloween, you yell "Happy New Year!" at passers-by.
11) You know that Christmas trees were originally Pagan symbols.That's why you bought one.
12) You have friends who say they are elves and you believe them.
13) You commit blasphemy in the plural.
14) Upon dying, your first thought is, "d**n it, not AGAIN."
15) When you say "Mother Nature," you don't mean it in a anthropomorphic way.
16) Gaia is NOT the lady on Captain Planet.
17) You think The Mists of Avalon should be a religious text.
18) In religion 100, you were disappointed because they didn't cover YOUR gods.
19) You know there is a right way and a wrong way to draw a pentacle. You CAN explain the difference.
20) You've spent the last year and a half looking for a familiar.
21) You talk to trees and they talk back.
22) You know dragons and fae exist. You've seen them.
23) Painting yourself blue, spiking your hair, and dancing naked around a bonfire sounds like great fun.
24) You've seen "The Craft." You know they were making stuff up in "The Craft." ...You have explained this to other people. ...You can do it better than they did in "The Craft."
25) You understand the sybolism behind a maypole.
26) You've ever ended a phone call with "so mote it be."
27) Your children go around telling people that "The Goddess loves you."
28) You think that "Scott Cunningham" is a household name...
29) You feel that there is no such thing as having too many cats...
30) The emergency calls you get at work are your teenagers wanting to know the whereabouts of the extra candles, incense or other misc. ritual items.
31) Someone asks you what you are doing wandering around in the woods wearing a robe, and you answer cheerfully: "Going to church!"
32) Friends give you candles and incense as a gift. (yep)
33) There are more jars of strange smelling plants in your cupboards than there are cereal boxes.
34) You find yourself making corn dollies in the checkout line at the local grocery store.
35) You start answering the phone with "Merry Meet".
36) When cleaning house you have to specify. "Where is the broom? No, not that broom, where is the one to clean the floor with?"
37) You're reading this. You understand what it's talking about.
38) You have more to add.
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Post by Fallen on Sept 15, 2006 10:54:52 GMT -5
Quotes on the nature of the universe....
Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together...." Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened." Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former." Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things."
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Post by Fallen on Sept 15, 2006 10:59:45 GMT -5
What do you call 13 witches in a hot tub? * A self cleaning coven.
What do you say to an angry witch? * Ribbit.
What's Wiccan, flies around, and makes honey? * The Blessed Bee!
How do you tell a NewAge witch from a Neopagan witch? * Throw them both in the water. The Neopagan witch will float--the NewAge witch will sink under the weight of all their (overpriced) crystals.
Why did the blonde pagan have a lasso? * S/He wanted to draw down the moon.
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Post by *Gypsy* on Sept 15, 2006 15:58:27 GMT -5
;DFallen that Internet joke is the funniest thing I have ever read, I'm posting it to a bulletin! Thanks so much ;D
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