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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Aug 28, 2006 14:47:12 GMT -5
;D In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf.
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Aug 28, 2006 14:52:09 GMT -5
THE CHOCOLATE RITUAL
Materials required: On the altar are brown candles, a Tootsie Roll (the great big one- as the athame;) a large glass with milk in it (the chalice;) a small dish of Nestle's Quick and a sthingy; a small dish of chocolate sprinkles; a plate of cupcakes and some Yoo-Hoo along with a goblet; Top
CLEANSE THE SACRED SPACE:
(take the small bowl of chocolate sprinkles)
Chocolate sprinkles where thou art cast No calories in thy presence last. Let no fat adhere to me And as I will So Mote It BE!
Nestle's Quick where thou art cast Turn this milk to chocolate, fast. Let all good things come to me, and make my milk all chocolatey!
CAST THE CIRCLE (using a tootsie roll):
CALL THE QUARTERS:
Mousse of the East, Fluffy one! Great prince of the palace of dessert. Be present we pray thee, and guard this circle from all moochers Approaching from the East.
Top
Fondue of the South, Molten One! Great prince of the palace of decadence. Be present we pray thee, And guard this circle from all diets Approaching from the South.
Cocoa of the West, Satisfying one! Great prince of the palace of thirst. Be present we pray thee, And guard this circle from all carob Approaching from the West.
Rocky Road of the North, Cold one! Great prince of the palace of crunchy. Be present we pray thee, And guard this circle from all cheap imitations Approaching from the North.
MAIN RITUAL:
HANDMAIDEN (Henceforth known as the Swiss Miss):
Listen to the words of the Mother of Chocolate; who was of old called: Godiva, Ethel M., Sara Lee, Nestle, Mrs. See, and by many other names:
HPS: Whenever you have one of those cravings, once in a while and better it be when your checkbook is full, then shall you assemble in a great public place and bring offerings of money to the spirit of Me, who is Queen of all Goodies.
In the mall shall you assemble, you who have eaten all your chocolate and are hungry for more. To you I shall bring Good Things for your tongue.
And you shall be free from depression. And as a sign that you are truly free, you shall have chocolate smears on your cheeks, and you shall munch, nosh, snack, feast, and make yummy noises all in my presence. For mine is the ecstacy of phenylalanine, [FEEN-EL-AL-A-NEEN] and mine also is Joy on Earth, yea, even into High Orbit, for my law is "Melts in your mouth, not in your hand". Top
Keep clean your fingers, carry Wet Ones always, let none stop you or turn you aside. For mine is the secret that opens your mouth, and mine is the taste that puts a smile on your lips and comfy, padding pounds on your hips.
I am the gracious Goddess who gives the gift of joy unto the tummies of men and women. Upon earth, I give knowledge of all things delicious, and beyond death... well, I can't do much there. Sorry about that.
I demand only your money in sacrifice; for behold, chocolate is a business, and you have to pay for those truffles before you eat them.
SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Goodie Goddess, she in the dust of whose feet are the cheap imitations, whose body graces candy racks and finer stores everywhere:
I, who am the beauty of chocolate chips, and the satisfying softness of big bars, the mystery of how they get the filling inside truffles, and fill the hearts of all but Philistines with desire, call unto thy soul to arise and come unto me. For I am the soul of candy; from me do all confections spring, and unto me all of you shall return, again.... and again... and again.... and again.
Before my smeared face, beloved of women and men, thine innermost divine self shall be enfolded in the rapture of overdose.
Let my taste be within thy mouth that rejoices. For behold, all acts of yumminess and pleasure are my rituals. Therefore let there be gooeyness and mess, crispness and crackling, big slabs and bite size pieces, peanut butter and chocolate covered cherries all within you.
And you who think to seek me, know that your seeking and yearning shall avail you not unless you know the Mystery: "We shall sell no chocolate until you pay for it." Top
For behold: I have been with you since you were just a baby, and I am that which is attained at nearly any shop in the land.
Messed be.
SWISS MISS: Hear now the words of the Chocolate God, who was of old called Ghirardelli, Milton Snavely Hershey, Bosco, Fudgesicle, and by many other names.
HP: I am the strength of the candy rack, and the piece that fell on the floor, but looks like it may not have gotten too dirty, and the deepest bitterness of dark chocolate. No matter how you try to resist the call of chocolate, I will hunt you out, and I will become your sacred prey. I am warmth of hot cocoa in the dead of winter, and the call of the road that leads you to that really expensive Godiva store downtown.
I give you, my creatures, the fire of love of chocolate, the power of jaw strength to bite off a piece of that frozen Milky Way bar, and the shelter of Haagen Daz when that big date didn't work out. You are dear to me, and I instill in you my power; the power of a piece of chocolate that you had forgotten you had hidden, and the power of vision and magickal sight with which you can spot a candy counter a mile away.
By the powers of the half melted bar in the glorious sun, I charge you; by the darkest depths of the bottom of the cocoa pot and the lingering smell of bittersweet chocolate, I charge you; and by the beauty of a perfectly swirled vanilla butter cream, I charge you:
Follow your heart and your instinct, wherever they lead you. The wealth in your pocket can buy you treats that a Mayan king would envy. Take joy in that first bite of lecithin emulsified cocoa, and in the last satisfying slurp of Yoo-Hoo. Yet you must be wary of deceit. Eat not of that which is called "baking chocolate", for it is vile and bitter.
Lastly, always remember to leave some chocolate behind you. Be not greedy, but let yourself be known as a conoisseur. Leave a little for someone else. Top
I am with you always, just over your shoulder, or around the next corner. I am the Lord of Chocolate, and when you have reached the end of your hoard, I will never be further away from you than that 7-Eleven on the corner. I am the spirit of the Wild Child; the Inner Child who can never get quite enough. If you are a true chocolate lover, then your soul and mine are intertwined.
CUPCAKES AND YOO-HOO
(The blessing of the Yoo-Hoo)
HP: Be it known that milk chocolate is not better than dark chocolate.
HPS: Nor is dark chocolate better than milk chocolate.
HP: For both are better than the falsely named "white chocolate,"
HPS: And neither one is carob.
HP: As the frosting is to the cupcake,
HPS: So the creamy nougat is to the Milky Way Bar.
BOTH: And when they are eaten, they are yummy in truth, for there is no greater snack in all the world than one made of chocolate.
(Th blessing of the cupcakes) Top
HP: Frosting is keen
HPS: And the filling is neat.
BOTH: Great Goddess! Let's eat!
Feasting and drinking (chocolate liquer if possible,) music and dance.
Dismiss quarters.
HPS: Oh, ye mighty goodies of the __________, We thank you for attending our rites and guarding our circle, And ere you depart for your sweet and sticky realms, We say unto you, "N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestles makes the very best."
ALL: "Choooooooc-laaaaate"
(After all quarters have been dismissed, give a final satisfying belch at the east)
Close circle
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Aug 29, 2006 15:02:01 GMT -5
;D A Really Bad Day There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
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Post by *Gypsy* on Aug 30, 2006 6:07:10 GMT -5
ROFFL...I have been so busy Tiggy this is the first time I get to read this post, ROFFL...thank you so much what a great ideal! you are so funny, you've made my week! keep them coming huggs Gypsy
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Post by *Gypsy* on Aug 30, 2006 6:08:18 GMT -5
10 Ways to Piss off a Witch
1. Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.
2.Be considerate, rearrange their altar so it will look neat.
3.Blow out their altar candle if it is still day light. (No need to waste a good candle!)
4.Pick up their gems for a closer look.
5.Sharpen their dull black-handled knife.
6.Witness to them about the "true religion".
7.Untie the knots in their cord.
8.Take hold of their jewelry for a closer look.
9.Play card games with their Tarot cards.
10.Ask them if they are Satan worshippers.
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Post by silvermoon69 on Aug 30, 2006 11:30:52 GMT -5
That was too funny!!! Love the Jokes!! I have one, but its a lil raw....My husband told it soooo.... better check w/ an Elder before i spill the beans!! )O(
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Post by *Gypsy* on Aug 30, 2006 17:03:00 GMT -5
Hiya Silver, Sure...Tell us..it's cool BB Gypsy
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Sept 4, 2006 11:58:46 GMT -5
Come on Silver! LOL Please tell us ;D BB Tiggy x
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Sept 6, 2006 7:40:23 GMT -5
The Value of a Drink
"Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame.Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams . If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Jack Handy WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and knickers. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. " ~Frank Sinatra WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Henny Youngman WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not." ~ Stephen Wright WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!" ~ Brian O'Rourke WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ "Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ To some ! it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can! ~Dave Howell WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin,of Cheers. One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. Here's how it went: "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers." WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Sept 6, 2006 17:27:35 GMT -5
;D Dear Goddess" and the Astrological Signs ARIES: Dear Goddess, please give me patience...and could you do it right now? TAURUS: Dear Goddess, help me accept change, but not too quick. GEMINI: Dear Goddess! Who is Goddess? Where is Goddess? Why is Goddess? CANCER: DEAR GODDESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LEO: Yes? VIRGO: Dear Goddess, please make us perfect and don't mess it up like You did the last time! LIBRA: Dear Goddess, please help me to be decisive, but on the other hand, what do You think is best? SCORPIO: Our Mother, an' it harm none, even though the bastards deserve it! SAGITTARIUS: Dear Goddess, if I've told you once, I've told you a million times....help me stop exaggerating. CAPRICORN: Dear Goddess! I'd like to ask you to help me, but I learned a long time ago not to rely on anyone else! AQUARIUS: Dear Goddess, I know I like change, but this chaos is ridiculous!! PISCES: Dear Goddess, as long as I'm going to drink this fifth of Scotch tonight, please use the stimulation in Your honor.
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Sept 6, 2006 17:30:21 GMT -5
;D Murphy's Law For Witches
No spell is as easy as it looks.
If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a spell can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way will promptly develop.
Every spell performed to solve a problem will breed new problems.
Mother Nature is sometimes a pregnant dog.
Anything that can go wrong will go wrong; and anything that cannot possibly go wrong will also go wrong.
No matter what the result of a spell, there will always be someone eager to: (a) misinterpret it. (b) fake it. (c) believe that it happened as a result of his own work.
Once a Ritual is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.
Everyone has a favorite ritual or spell that will not work.
As soon as you mention something ...
If it's good, it goes away; if it's bad it happens.
If a spell requires 'x amount' of materials, then immediately before beginning, you will discover that you only possess 'x amount-1' materials.
In any formula, it will be discovered that the required amounts have been forgotten.
No books are lost by lending except those you particularly want to keep.
If you miss an issue of a newsletter, it will be the issue that concludes the article or ritual that you are most anxious to read.
When your familiar has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.
If you drop your Athame during a rite, you will discover that you are no longer able to move your right foot.
The universe is not only stranger than we imagine, it's stranger than we can imagine.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every vision of the Goddess, there is an equal and opposite vision that negates your own vision.
If you are early to a meeting, it will be Canceled ... if you are on time, it will be late. If you are late, it will have started early.
The more complicated and grandiose the ritual, the greater the chance that it will fail.
The more carefully you plan a ritual, the more you will resist admitting that it failed.
When a lazy witch gets into trouble due to his ignoring the facts, he will imagine that his failures are caused by another's curse.
The best and most effective rituals occur when you are home with the flu.
You always hear about the need for a ritual or spell after that need ends.
When all else fails, consult your Book of Shadows.
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Sept 7, 2006 7:17:34 GMT -5
;D THE COFFIN
Late last Saturday night; a young chap was walking home from a club. It was a cold, wet, windy evening, and he was tired and freezing. Most of the streetlights in the area were broken, and the silence was only broken by the occasional sound of a stray cat sifting through a dustbin. Then suddenly he heard a strange noise.......
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
Startled by this, he turned, and to his amazement, through the driving rain, he saw the faint outline of a large box turning into his road.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He froze to the spot, he couldn't believe his eyes, as the box approached from the shadows, he was able to make out its shape more clearly....It was a coffin.
Not wanting anything to do with this, he put his head down and started walking briskly home.
BUMP........
BUMP........
BUMP........
He could feel the coffin gaining on him, he started walking faster.........
BUMP........BUMP......
BUMP........BUMP..
BUMP........BUMP......
The coffin was closing with his every step, he started to jog, but he heard the coffin speed up after him......
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
BUMP........BUMP...BUMP...
He started to sprint, but so did the coffin ......
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
BUMP...BUMP..BUMP...BUMP.....
BUMP...BUMP...BUMP...BUMP.
Eventually he made it to his front door, but he knew the coffin was only seconds behind. Fumbling around in his pocket, he pulled out his keys, His hand trembling, he managed to open the lock, he dived inside slamming the front door behind him. He shot into his front room, and slumped into his comfy chair. Suddenly there was a loud crash, as the coffin smashed its way through the front door. The force of the impact broke the lock off the coffin allowing the lid to swing freely on its rusty hinges as it continued its chase.....
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In horror the young lad fled again, as fast as his shaking legs could take him he bolted upstairs to the bathroom and locked the door........
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP..BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...BUMP...SCREECH...HOP...
The coffin again gave chase up the stairs, across the landing and launched itself at the bathroom door. With an almighty smash, the bathroom door flew off its hinges..... The coffin stood in the doorway, then started to approach the young terrified lad.
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
In a last ditch attempt to save his skin, he reached for his bathroom
cabinet......
He grabbed a bar of Imperial Leather soap and threw it at the coffin.......still it came ......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH...
He grabbed his can of Lynx deodorant and threw it.....still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP.SCREECH...
He grabbed his first aid kit and threw it....still it came......
BUMP...SCREECH...BUMP...SCREECH..
He grabbed some Benilyn cough mixture and threw it........
The coffin stopped.
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Post by Warrior Poet on Sept 9, 2006 22:58:41 GMT -5
**GROAN**
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Post by boo on Sept 10, 2006 7:18:30 GMT -5
tiggy when i grow up i what to be just like you , you are a good thing to wake up to you always make me fell good xoxoxoxox boo (the old hag)
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Post by boo on Sept 10, 2006 7:19:36 GMT -5
oh be the way tiggy im not funny at all ,
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