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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Nov 23, 2006 20:27:19 GMT -5
The following ritual was found in a musty, dusty old fragment of parchment lodged between the musty old pages of a musty, dusty old book in a musty, dusty old library whose musty, dusty old dust hadn't been disturbed by the presence of man in many a musty, dusty old century. It took a great deal of effort to translate the original writings. After months of effort and research in language libraries, it was finally determined that the weird script was not some arcane, forgotten language, but English, written by someone with a very bad case of caffeine jitters.
Another fragment indicated that this was once part of a book, entitled "The Mystery of the StarBuck".
THE CAFFEINATED CROSS Stand, facing east, holding your coffee cup, filled with the mystical brew, in your power hand, and assume a posture of wakeful alertness.
Bring your coffee cup to your forehead and intone:
"LATTE"
Lower your coffee cup to the vicinity of your navel:
"MOCHA"
Bring your coffee cup to your left shoulder:
"CAPPUCHINO"
Bring it across to your right shoulder:
"FRAPPUCHINO"
Clasp your coffee cup in both hands over your heart chakra:
"ARABICA, OH MAN!"
Extend your arms to the sides, and intone:
"BEFORE ME, MRS. OLSON"
"BEHIND ME, JUAN VALDEZ"
"AT MY RIGHT HAND, M J B"
"AT MY LEFT HAND, THE BROTHERS HILLS"
"FOR ABOUT ME SWIRLS THE COFFEE AROMA"
"WITHIN ME SINGS THE CAFFEINE HIGH"
Drink the coffee, in communion with the spirits of the Sacred Coffee Bean. This last step may be usefully repeated as long as you like
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Post by Fallen on Nov 23, 2006 20:39:08 GMT -5
lol, cute
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Nov 25, 2006 11:36:18 GMT -5
Test for Smart People Below are four ( 4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately . OK? Let's find out just how clever you really are.... Ready? GO!!! (scroll down) First Question: Y ou are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in? Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are.............................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................. absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second! Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK ? Second Question: I f you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down) Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person? You're not very good at this, are you? Third Question: V ery tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only . Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it. Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 .Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 Now add 10 . What is the total? Scroll down for answer..... Did you get 5000 ?.................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... WRONG! The correct answer is actually 4100. If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator! Today is definitely not your day, is it? Maybe you'll get the last question right.... .Maybe. Fourth Question: Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter? Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the question again! Okay, now the bonus round: A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and! the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants? He just has to open his mouth and ask... It's really very simple.... Like you! Hahahahaha!
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Nov 27, 2006 20:41:49 GMT -5
Thank Gods I'm a Witchy Girl! (A Pagan Country Song) Well, Wicca in Kentucky is pretty laid back Got a cauldron in my kitchen where I make the hard tack Jack Daniels in my chalice on my altar in the shack Thank Gods I'm a Witchy girl! Well, dancin' in the circle never did me no harm Gotta fertilize the fields on my pappy's old farm And naked muscled rednecks got a certain kind of charm Thank Gods I'm a Witchy girl! Now I got mah boline, and I got my ath-am-ay Got a sigil on my tractor, sign of Isis on my ashtray Gonna 'nitiate my daughter on a week from next Friday Thank Gods I'm a Witchy girl! When the work's all done I gather with my coven Gonna do the Great Rite in the Circle with my husband We been kissin' since we're kids, cuz he's my first cousin Thank Gods I'm a Witchy girl! High Priestess Betty Lou hollers out, "Y'all come!" High Priest Bubba follers, "Come and get y'all some!" That's how we call the corners, cuz we're really kinda dumb Thank Gods I'm a Witchy girl! I got mah pen-tack-el, and mah beeswax candle Got mah sacred .38 with the bone-carved handle That was from my first lover, he's my older brother Randall Thank Gods I'm a Witchy girl! Gonna bless the outhouse, cuz we ain't got runnin' water Cuz the stench ain't blowin' downwind like it oughter And someone's gonna puke, and I think it's my daughter Thank Gods I'm a Witchy girl! My other brother Cletus needs a good ass-kickin' We told him "Bring a date, and make sure she's a Wiccan," And that old country boy brought mah mama's best chicken Thank Gods I'm a Witchy girl! Now we're closin' the circle, merry meet and merry partin' Bubba belches real loud as the feast is startin' And he ain't allowed beans, cuz his other talent's fartin' Thank Gods I'm a Witchy girl!
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Nov 27, 2006 20:44:13 GMT -5
The Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Casserole.
To prepare for this ritual, clear a space for the circle in the center of the kitchen. Then don your ceremonial apron and hold your ceremonial spatula in your right hand. Stand in the center of the circle and face East.
You are ready to begin:With your spatula, draw a banishing pentagram to the East. Then, thrust your spatula through the pentagram and say,
"Microwave dinners, be gone!"
Move to the South. Again, draw a banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it.
"TV dinners, be gone!"
Move to the West. Draw the banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it.
"Ramen instant noodles, be gone!"
Move to the North. Draw the banishing pentagram and thrust your spatula through it,
"Mystery meat in a can, be gone!"
Move to the center of the circle and stand still. Chant the following:
"Before me, Martha Stewart. Behind me, Betty Crocker. To my right side, Julia Child. To my left side, Martha Stewart, AGAIN!"
Visualize yourself standing in a giant casserole and proclaim,
"For about me bakes the casserole, and around me shines the 6-course meal." Clap your hands three times and say, "Its a good thing."
The rite is over.
If the ritual is not effective, please order take-out ASAP!
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Nov 27, 2006 20:58:16 GMT -5
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her ladies on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?" The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch." The first man asked, "How's that?" "Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast.....she jumped up and flew out the window
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Post by Fallen on Nov 28, 2006 14:51:56 GMT -5
lmao. they were all funny the the last one had me rolling. thanks tiggy.
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Dec 4, 2006 5:03:51 GMT -5
A Yule Divorce
A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Yule and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YO U HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay" he says, "they're coming for Yule and paying their own way."
Never mess with old people!!
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Post by boo on Feb 7, 2007 16:17:04 GMT -5
HOW TO INSTALL A HOME SECURITY SYSTEM*
1. Go to a second-hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with several empty beer cans, a copy of Guns & Ammo magazine and several NRA magazines.
3. Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads: Hey Bubba, Big Jim, Duke and Slim, I went to the gun shop for more ammunition. Back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls -- they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up real bad. I don't think Killer took part in it but its hard to tell from all the blood.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * PS - I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Feb 11, 2007 17:55:39 GMT -5
LMAO
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Feb 11, 2007 18:00:26 GMT -5
Keeping Summoned Beings as Pets is a Bad Idea Why keeping summoned beings as pets is a bad idea... They may be cute and cuddly when they're little, but they tend to grow. Fast. To something large. You can't flush your overgrown summoned pet down the toilet and no pound will take one. (Trust me on this one. ) Unless you spay or neuter them, they will breed, quickly. Good luck trying to find a vet that will spay or neuter one... The feeding costs are astronomical. New Age shops are very expensive. Oh, sorry, I meant "astrological". An exotic summoned pet is very difficult to feed. Museums start suspecting your interests in ancient cultures rather quickly. Getting them used to gourmet food is a bad idea: there aren't that many virgins around, you see! Cats sitting on the chest of a sleeping child sucking their life-force out may be a myth. With summoned pets, it isn't. No insurance will cover it if your summoned pet bites your guests. They may even eat your guests while you pop into the kitchen for tea. When they nibble your toes on Sunday morning, it does NOT feel nice. Besides, you need those toes for proper balance. Clipping their toenails to save your sofa from being torn into shreds is pretty d**n hard. You think a pet stealing your stuff is bad? Summoned pets steal your stuff and hide it to the astral plane! Summoned pet dung is difficult to get rid of. They won't accept it at the toxic waste plant anymore ... Cat's hairballs are easy to clean away. Try dealing with astral slime puke. They don't stay in their cage unless you remember to seal it magickally properly. Every single time. It also gets a bit tedious to keep that triangle of salt intact in the corner of the living room. A summoned pet possessing your grandmother is NO fun, I can tell you! A summoned pet possessing your stereo system may be painful. Having them play with your altar tools is not cute. Having them play with your Book of Shadows is even less cute. Smell of sulfur wafting in the apartment tends to deter Jehovah's Witnesses and other pests, though... But it does make breathing labored in the long run. Landlords tend to dislike the "things that go bump in the night" routine you have going on in your flat. Landlords will detest finding out that paying residents in your block are disappearing as if by magick. On the other hand, the police may become a tad too interested in the very same phenomena. It's not fun to have your pet deciding to "hump" your neighbor's dog in the middle of your daily walk. It's practically impossible to find new, caring homes for the resulting Cerberoses, too. While it may be cute to have a pet that actually does talk back to you, it's not nice when they start throwing curses. It may be nice to have a pet that can retrieve your e-mail along with regular post, but it's NOT fun having them actually posting replies... Advanced summoned pets may summon pets of their own. That means BIG trouble. Last but not least: If you're not quite careful, you may one day wake up realizing that it is in fact YOU who are the pet in this deal.
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Feb 11, 2007 18:05:12 GMT -5
A Priest, a Rabbi and a Pagan Priestess As part of an Interfaith community project, A right wing Christian priest, a rabbi, and a Pagan priestess decided that in order to improve relations in the community, they will go on a fishing trip together on a local pond. They're out in the boat, and the Pagan priestess excuses herself to go to the bathroom back on the shore. She gets out, walks across the water back to shore, and then walks back across the water to the boat. The Christian priest looks in amazement, crosses himself, and they continue fishing. It comes on about noon time, and the rabbi realizes they left their lunches back on shore. So he gets up, walks across the water to the shore, retrieves the lunches, and walks back across the water to the boat. The Christian priest, now completely amazed, and a little bit righteous, thinks, "not to be outdone by two heathens, I can do that too!!" So he gets up, excuses himself to go to the bathroom, takes a step out of the boat and promptly sinks to the bottom. While he's flailing around in the water, the rabbi looks at the priestess and says, "Do you think we should have told him about the rocks?" The Pagan priestess replies, "What rocks?"
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Feb 11, 2007 18:11:55 GMT -5
Blissed Out or F***ed outta their d**n gourd I was having an out of body experience one day so I grounded myself and got centered with the help of my spirit guides and almost astral traveled anyway, but the phone rang. I sensed the negative vibrations so I threw the I-Ching and checked my numerology chart and nearly had a primal, but my energy was too blocked, so I did some bioenergetics and self parenting, took some flower essence and ate an organic oat bran ginseng muffin, but my inner child wasn't feeling nurtured yet so I had a Rice Dream Frozen Pie too, but that made me hyper so I did the relaxation response while listening to my subliminal tapes, but I was feeling depersonalized so I did some polarity work, foot reflexology and past life regression, then rebirthed myself and called Moon Beam, the bodyworker, to make an appointment for a Shiatsu, Reike, Rolfing, Feldenkreis, Swedish, Japanese deep tissue massage, but she flaked out and never returned my call, so I decided to energize my crystals and do some positive imagery because all my visualization techniques and affirmations made my space feel invaded, so to get empowered, I got a psychic reading from Mother HeartLove around the issue of I disagreeertiveness so I could feel my radiance and have some energy for my psycho-calisthenics and inversion swing before my harmonic brain-wave synergy session, which made me more focused for my actualization seminar, holistic healing class and dreamworkshop, so I'd be more clear for my Gestalt behavioral cognitive transpersonal Rechian Jungian Freudian Ericksonian session at the hot springs but my aura was weak for my trance-channeling group so I fasted until noon to recharge my chakras and I sensed my intuition was high and my cycle was focused, so I turned on my ion generator to open up for my neural-linguistic programming session, but I needed to have my pyramid recharged before my guided synchronicity meditation, so I got some cranio-sacral therapy, which aligned me for the fire walk, which was between my tarot card reading and my sensory deprivation tank appointment, but after all that I felt what I truly needed was a meaningful relationship to mirror myself so I went to my personal shaman, and then to my guru, but they were no help, so instead I went to the Intensive Whole Life Earth Rebirth Cosmic Expo Symposium Workshop to find someone who really knew what was going on, but that didn't work either, so I locked himself in a calcium coated Orgone Box and went to sleep so I could get it in the dream state.
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Feb 11, 2007 18:20:57 GMT -5
Computer Blessing Blessings on this fine machine, May its data all be clean. Let the files stay where they're put, Away from disk drives keep all soot. From its screen shall come no whines, Let in no spikes on power lines. As oaks were sacred to the Druids, Let not the keyboard suffer fluids. Disk Full shall be nor more than rarity, The memory shall not miss its parity. From the modem shall come wonders, Without line noise making blunders. May it never catch a virus, And all its software stay desirous. Oh let the printer never jam, And turn my output into spam. I ask of Eris, noble queen, Keep Murphy far from this machine
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Feb 11, 2007 18:34:24 GMT -5
Some Suggested Rules for a Wiccan Coven Dear Ones: Every Coven should have some rules that people can look at so they know what sort of conduct is appropriate or inappropriate for members, andknowing them being helpful to harmony and fellowship within Coven. Here are a few that I am thinking about instituting: No coven member shall consume their weight in beans before arriving for ritual. This has happened in the past, and the results can be devastating. It is unpleasant when 32 cubic yards of methane are unexpectedly released into the atmosphere within Circle, and other Coven members begin dropping to the floor unconscious, turning blue, gasping for air and struggling to keep from being overcome by the vapor. Add to this, the presence of the open flame of the candles on the altar and the quarter candles. Several years ago, the north wall of our altar room was blown clear out when the methane expelled was detonated by the flame of a single candle and the explosion that followed interrupted our rites. Please be considerate of others, and make every effort not to render them victims of a tragic episode, particularly as the Guardian of air is called. We evoke the power of the winds, but make every effort not to break wind. Some people feel a need to wear something on their feet while attending ritual. It is suggested that slippers or socks might be acceptable. However, showing up for a skyclad ritual wearing nothing but cowboy boots is utterly unacceptable. This is particularly true if there should be actual nuts clinging to those nuts kickers!!!! This will definitely be frowned upon. If the rite is to be skyclad, please remember your position in space in relation to the candles. While folks of another religion may appreciate the odd burning bush, we have noted this can lead to negative effects upon a Covener who carelessly fails to exercise due caution, and inadvertently ignites their genitalia! Remember folks, "Never Again the Burning Times" also applies to Witches in our Circle. When skyclad rites are conducted do not pluck a handful of hair from between the cheeks of the High Priest while his back is turned. I would remind everyone that Rogaine is fairly expensive, and difficult to apply to one's backside. Worse, creates the possibility some embarrassing moments. For example: Your High Priest was recently visiting a distant city and stayed in a motel near the interstate. Can you imagine the awkward moment which ensued when the maid entered the room to change the linen, only to find your High Priest standing on a chair with his pants bunched up in a pile around his ankles, his butt reflected in a mirror, as he tried with questionable results to aim the spray at his derriere? Oh, sure, we can laugh about it now... but such misfortunes present your High Priest with great dismay! Please use deodorant before arriving for ritual. As we all raise our arms in welcome to the Lord and Lady, it would be nice if they are not dropped from the sky by an assault on their senses that leaves them crashing into the Circle by an unexpected blast that renders them incapacitated. If this can have that sort of effect upon the Gods themselves, how much more likely would it be to immobilize your brothers and sisters in Circle??? When doing robed rituals, please lend some consideration to the material of which your robes are made. Nogahyde is right out, as are robes that faintly resemble the battle regalia of Atilla the Hun! Similarly, while it may be cute, a robe festooned with images of Homer Simpson, Bart, and the rest of the Simpson family... are contrary to the atmosphere we are attempting to establish. Do not wear combat boots in Circle. When doing rituals as a group outdoors, you will likely need something on your feet, but we tend to take a dim view of combat boots in Circle. It tends to establish the wrong ambiance. Curb your guide dog prior to circle. If you are visually impaired, and must be accompanied into Circle by a guide dog, please make certain the animal has accomplished all of its duties outdoors, rather than simply showing up in the altar room and hoping for the best. Keep your dog by you! On a similar note, it is nice if the animal is neutered. While it may be funny to see a Coven member trying to participate in a Spiral dance with your dog affixed to his leg, the Coven member is likely to form a resentment. Familiars are wonderful helpers to the Witch, so long as they do not become overly familiar!!!! Don't score the High Priest and High Priestess! Your High Priest and High Priestess, while appreciating the compliment, are nevertheless apt to take a dim view of their Coveners holding signs which have 9.3, 8.6, 9.5, 7.9 and such relating to performance and style points. Please remember this is Witchcraft, not the ABC Wide World of Sports!!! We will keep you apprised of any other rules which may need to be implemented as the need arises. Thank you for your cooperation.
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