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Post by Spirit Wings on Sept 15, 2006 20:12:07 GMT -5
Merry Meet All...this page has been very entertaining tonight.... I see we can all have fun as well... these are very good estatigua Blessings
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Sassy Venus Star
Apprentice
[M:0]
Into your life,into your dreams,Out of the dark,sunlight again.You can't explain
Posts: 77
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Post by Sassy Venus Star on Sept 17, 2006 23:06:49 GMT -5
Hi yall, The Jokes are so funny!!!!!!!! I love them.
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Post by britters on Sept 29, 2006 22:27:20 GMT -5
Hahah aw yay ^.^ All of these are funny and I like it =P
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Oct 1, 2006 15:06:40 GMT -5
;D So glad you all like the witchy humour pages.Laughter is the bestest medicine there is & we can all do with a giggle can't we. Much love and blessings Tiggy xxx
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Oct 1, 2006 15:37:56 GMT -5
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady 40 miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, Keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph. The husband speaks again. "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it," He says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, And she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, But grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55 He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently..
Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues.
65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat!"
The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge. This makes him nervous, so he asks her, "Isn't there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need," she says. "Oh, really," he inquires, "so what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, The wife turns to him and smiles. "The airbag."
Moral of the Story :
Women are clever!!!
Don't mess with them!!
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Post by boo on Oct 1, 2006 16:52:27 GMT -5
this was funny ill remember this one the old hag ha ha
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Post by *Gypsy* on Oct 2, 2006 8:10:02 GMT -5
ROFFL, I LOVE THIS ONE~
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Oct 31, 2006 11:48:17 GMT -5
;D Thought I would leave a joke so you smile on this Samhain
The virgin!
In a tiny village on the Irish coast lived an old lady, a virgin and very proud of it. Sensing that her final days were rapidly approaching, and desiring to make sure everything was in proper order when she dies, she went to the town's undertaker (who also happened to be the local postal clerk) to make proper "final" arrangements. As a last wish, she informed the undertakerthat she wanted the following inscription engraved on her tombstone: "BORN A VIRGIN, LIVED AS A VIRGIN, DIED A VIRGIN" Not long after, the old maid died peacefully. A few days after the funeral, as the undertaker--postal clerk went to prepare the tombstone that the lady had requested, it became quite apparent that the tombstone that she had selected was much too small for the wording that she had chosen. He thought long and hard about how he could fulfil the old maid's final request, considering the very limited space available on the small piece of stone. For days, he agonized over the dilemma. But finally his experience as a postal worker allowed him to come up with what he thought was the appropriate solution to the problem.
The virgin's tombstone was finally completed and duly engraved, and it read as follows:
"RETURNED UNOPENED "
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Post by Fallen on Nov 3, 2006 17:27:42 GMT -5
lmao.
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Nov 20, 2006 7:51:40 GMT -5
YOUR NEIGHBOR IS A WITCH IF... By: Andie Gilmour
Fifty sure-fire ways to detect paganism without having to resort to a dunking stool or wart-inspection.
1) Never puts any rubbish out on refuse-collection day. I mean, re-cycling and composting is fine, but you can take it too far.
2) You casually ask what phase the moon is in, and she tells you down to the exact number of days, hour and minute of rising, position on horizon, and current angle of declination.
3) All the stray cats in the neighbourhood tend to congregate in her garden (and use your own as their litter).
4) A screech owl has chosen the lamp-post outside her house as its favorite calling-post. That's just when it's getting warm at night and you like to sleep with the window open.
5) Doesn't cut down the weeds in her garden; in fact it looks more like she's cultivating them. Needless to say, you get the seeds wafting over onto your pristine lawn.
6) Most of her clothes on the washing line are black.
7) The local kids talk in whispers as they go past her house, then start running at the last moment.
8) Nobody trick-or-treats her house; not after the incident when the kids' costumes were less scary than hers when she opened the door to them. (She was embracing the Crone that year no doubt!)
9) Footprints on the roof. And the trees in her flight-path have been pruned down. I swear it's true!
10) She can't even make a simple sandwich without adding fresh herbs to it. And don't ask her for a cup of tea unless you want something yellow coloured and smelling of flowers.
11) She hardly ever gets junk mail. You ask her what her secret is and she confides that she returns it to sender after writing something on in strange curly writing.
12) When you pop next door for a chat, the kettle is always already on.
13) The Jehovah's Witnesses never call (not anymore; not after the last time :-).
14) Keeps the local scented-candle shop solvent.
15) Has a pond full of frogs (and you haven't seen that bothersome double-glazing salesman around for a while).
16) She's always smiling, darn her!
17) She goes dressed as normal to a Hallowe'en fancy dress party; and wins first prize.
18) Her house always smells of incense.
19) Has named her four cats Hecate, Kali, Diana, and Moonbeam. (Or her rats Devon and Cornwall)
20) Her bumper sticker reads "I brake for toads".
21) Frequently gets raided by the drug squad who confiscate large amounts of dried green leaves; they always return them with apologies after analysis.
22) At Christmas, it seems like half the garden has been moved into the house.
23) You sometimes hear the sound of singing and dancing through the wall. If you look out of the window, it is usually a full moon.
24) She was given a bodhram drum for her birthday. And she plays it at midnight in the fields. And she's got a blasted tamborine.
25) You discover that her realistic resin skull ornament in her living room, actually is real.
26) You catch her washing a crystal ball along with the dishes.
27) She wears a lot of silver jewelry, even when doing the gardening. And bat ear-rings for goodness-sake.
28) You knock on her door and she answers it naked except for a toweling robe. You apologize for disturbing her in the bath, but notice that her hair isn't wet.
29) Irritating tendency to hum a lot. What's she got to be so happy about, huh?
30) She has a tame robin that will eat from her hand in the garden. That can't be natural.
31) Never catches a cold, even though she walks barefoot most of the time. In the snow as well.
32) Doesn't kill spiders. Not even big hairy long-legged ones that suddenly appear from the waste-pipe whilst you're having a bath.
33) She listens to what you are saying like she really cares.
34) She has lots of female friends who come round every few months. When you ask what they get up to, she tells you that they just have cakes and ale and a good natter.
35) You catch her hugging a tree.
36) Her dinner-set is decorated with Celtic patterns.
37) She has a mail-order account with a semi-precious gem wholesaler.
38) You notice that the parish priest crosses himself whenever he walks past her house.
39) She never watches television. And she has shelves full of books with black spines and silver-lettered titles.
40) To your certain knowledge she has never set foot in the local church. In fact, you have heard rumours that she has been barred from it.
41) She makes jars of quince and mandrake relish for the Women's Institute coffee morning jumble sale.
42) You ask to borrow a pack of cards for an impromptu bridge evening, and there are 78 in the pack.
43) You have never known her to visit her GP.
44) When you talk with her, she maintains eye contact all the time.
45) Expectant mothers are forever visiting her. Also women who become expectant mothers a month after visiting her.
46) You ask her for suggestions for nice walks in the area, and they all go by way of stone circles and strange earth mounds.
47) She only buys organic. And you just bet that she's a vegetarian as well. (Well, maybe not stricly vegetarian....)
48) When you ask her about her vacation plans, she tells you she will be camping in a tee-pee in the Brecon Beacons.
49) There aren't any mirrors in her house. Or clocks.
50) She tells you that she is coming out of the broom closet, joins Witches' Voice, and erects a stained-glass pentacle window in her front door . Ooo what a give-away!
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Nov 20, 2006 8:48:13 GMT -5
I am sure most of you have read this before somewhere on the www, but for those who haven't...enjoy. It still makes me laugh out loud every time I read it :-) BB Tiggy x
How to Give A Cat A Pill
1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow. 2) Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process. 3) Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. 4) Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten. 5) Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden. 6) Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously. 7) Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later. 8) Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9) Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink 1beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10) Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door on neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert sthingy. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11) Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12) Call fire department to retrieve the cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap. 13) Tie the little bastard's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table, find heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak filet. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down. 14) Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and remove pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table. 15) Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters. How to Give A Dog A Pill . . .
1) Wrap it in bacon
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Nov 20, 2006 10:57:49 GMT -5
Ooooh way too funny. It didn't click till after I had posted YOUR NEIGHBOR IS A WITCH IF... Check out No 41. I am actually making QUINCE JELLY as we speak! So that makes me a.....................Oh it just tickled me pink. Think I am in a silly mood today, perhaps it is a sugar high from breathing in all the sugar fumes as I am making preserves lol BB Tiggy x
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Post by Fallen on Nov 20, 2006 12:17:16 GMT -5
lol, thanks Tiggy. I had read the Your Neighbor is a With If, before but it is adorable. I absolutely loved the cat one.....it is hilarious (especially as I used to go through something similar while trying to give my cat a bath.) Thanks for the jokes.....we definately missed them while you were away.
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Nov 23, 2006 20:15:50 GMT -5
Step 1. Start with
CUTE PURPLE DINOSAUR
Step 2. Change to Proper Latin (Change "U"'s to "V"'s)...
CVTE PVRPLE DINOSAVR
Step 3. Extract the Roman Numerals...
CV VL DIV
Step 4. Convert to Arabic Values....
100 5 5 50 500 1 5
Step 5. Add the Numbers....
666
Therefore, Barney is Satan.!!!!!
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Post by estatigua (Tiggy) on Nov 23, 2006 20:19:15 GMT -5
Sung to Dylans tune Blowing In The Wind
How many robes can a Witch ignite While dancing too close to the flame? How many words from the Grimm Brothers' tales Can you really expect to "reclaim"? And how many chants fall as flat as a tack When you mispronounce each Sacred Name?
Chorus: The candles, my friend, are blowin' out again. The candles are blowin' out again.
How many times can the incense go wild And firemen break down your door? How many times can athames get dropped And spear peoples' feet to the floor? Yes, and how many times can you brandish your wand And whack the HP on the jaw?
Chorus
How many years can you do the same rite And still get the words mostly wrong? And how many spells of "Hereditary Craft" Quote verses from Erica Jong? And how many times can your Sabbat Great Rite Last less than a half minute long?
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