When to call it a day

[greywolf]

I'm sure we have all felt in at leats one of our personal relationships, whether it be with a lover or a friend, that it just doesn't seem to be moving anywhere, or the life has gone from it.

is there a way of telling that it has finished or the it has had it's time. i just don't know. i seem to be oblivious to these signs if they exist. is it a good sign when you both argue, or you sleep in separate beds (lovers that is). or if saying 'i love you' (lovers) just seems to become part of normal conversation and to a certain degree looses meaning. do you really have to know everything about someone to really love them, or actually have the dreaded sex thing people talk about, hehe.

i know that communication plays a big part in any and all relationships. and if that seems to be dwindling does that mean that something is wrong, or that things aren't being said that need to. i know i can be a very insecure person at the best of times, just ask tiggy.

and if you used witchcraft (spell or prayer) to find love does that taint the love, or give it a shelf life? or does it actually give you the love that is real and not forced.

and if the spark goes (whatever that is) how do you know, is it an instinctual thing, should we go as far to say that you sense when it is over. i'm sure people people know that their emotions have at one time or another lied to them.

i just thought i'd ask this, i know that there are a few questions in there, but any feedback would be gratefully received.

pathetically yours

peter

p.s. muahahahahahah

p.p.s gawd knows whats wrong with me today, i must be knackered form working too hard. lol. never knew i could feel that way.

[dragonsteve]

HMMMMM ok Graywalf.

As always your words come from the heart and leaves a person in deep thought but i shell try to give "my" feeling to some of your point's.

I think as long as saying I LOVE YOU still brings that twinkly to your lovers eyes then its still working. I went many years without saying I love you to anyone and just may be it make's you feel good too.

The use of witchcraft in love is in my book a very dangours game to play. Love being a very powerfull kind of magic in it's sell. most love spell tend to take away the other persons will and of cause is selfgain and as such is very close to black magic.

The sex thing. HMMMM sex is of cause a human pleasure and nothing to do with love. That is to say we can love thy mother and thy father. sex is a way to expess the feeling's that you may have for your lover but in no way is an indication of one's love for that person.

[ladyjay]

i have excellent advice when it comes to aiding others but when it comes to my personal relationships, i usually ewnd up in ones that are very hard to esccape from even though I know they are no good. I use to never have that probvlem until i lost my foundation and now I can not seem to make any of the right relational decisions.

[starr]

Ok, this is just my opinion, I am not an expert on these things. This is from hard earned experience in life.

Alot of what you are describing actually happens in most long term relationships. When the relationship starts, we are overwhelmed with the drama of love, we are appreciate every moment together, our feelings are strong and intense. As time goes on all those new exciting things that attracted us to the other person start to become routine. We tend to smother each other in the beginning, wanting to be together constantly. Than something changes. We start having negative feelings and we don't appreciate what we used to.

If you really think about it, this is what happened. When you came into the relationship, you were in constant growth on your own path. You pursued what interested you without thinking "What will so and so think about me doing this?" You spent time on yourself, without thinking about if it pleased someone else. Once you become a partner in your relationship, odds are that you stopped growing individually and started a growth towards making the relationship work. Here's the paradox. The relationship growth is really dependant on the growth of the individuals, so when the individuals stop growing, so does the relationship down the line. We get stuck in a rut, like the situations you are describing.

Often what attracts us to another in the beginning isn't that we are exactly the same, it is the differences. The person you are with attracted you because they have done this or that and you would never have done it by yourself. So it is fascinating, exciting because you are streching your limits through them. For some reason, once we are committed, we want our partner bound by our limits, instead of encouraging them to do the very things that attracted us. If we encourage them to keep pursueing the things we would never do, it often times keeps alot of excitement there for both people. Of course, both partners need to see this and encourage each other in this way.



I had to learn these lessons the hard way, but I have learned them and my relationships are much better. Questions I asked myself

1) Am I preventing my partner from growing as an individual? Are there things he wants to do but isn't doing because of my feelings? Does his growth in these areas make me insecure so I prevent him from doing them? Am I projecting my personal issues into our relationship instead of changing and resolving my issues? Is he doing this to me?

2) Am I actively pursueing things that I have interest in the way I used to before I was involved with my partner? Or do I automatically not do things because I am afraid it might damage the relationship? Do I still spend time enjoying my friends, collegues and family like I used to or am I neglecting that because of my relationship?

Ok, and this one is touchy for alot of people and it used to be for me. It is natural in our society for people to be very possessive of there relationship and to be displeased to the point of breaking up if our partner shows any interest in another potential mate. It immeadiately brings up negative feelings, insecurities and anger.

3) When he may look at, talk to, flirt with or show any interest in another potential mate, how do I react, how do I really feel about it and why?

In America, we have long term monogomous relationships and we have alot of divorces because people fall short. In Europe, it is quite common for married couples to have extra curricular activities with people outside of there relationship and both partners know about it, and they still remain committed to there marriages. So here's the question

4) If I knew that my partner would always value my feelings and thoughts above anothers, and I knew that he may have sex with another person but would never place that person over me and would never leave me for another, do I care as much that he may have a sexual encounter with another and that I may have that too? How much of my relationship is based on sexual fidility and how much is based on spiritual connection?

My family was very strict traditional Mormon and very active in the priesthood, bishopric, ect..., my current partners family is huge in promoting the adult entertainment industry and in selling adult toys. You can imagine the problems this presented. We came into to this with completely different viewpoints. Mine was sex is a special spiritual act and his was sex is only sex and means nothing more than that.

We both changed. We came to realize that sex can be either, depending on your spiritual bond. He was constantly around these beautiful adult entertainers, because his sister was there promoter and I would get really insecure, jealous and mean about it. He is a very good looking man and women are always trying to pick up on him. I also have alot of guys that try to pick me up. After a few years and alot of angry arguements, I realized, he is always here with me and for me and he has never slept with any of them. So I changed, I let go of my insecurities, I stopped worring about losing my man and even got to the point that I said, you know what if you want to f**k someone else, than do it, just don't place that over our relationship. But that means if I want to, I can too.

Interestingly enough, that brought us closer. There are times we have both thought about it and flirted with someone else, but neither one of us has done that. However adding that option to the relationship actually brought back alot of the excitment and spice that you feel when the relationship is new. And we both feel our love and friendship has deepened, because we know we aren't basing it on sex. I honestly did not expect to feel more committed after coming to that, but we both are more committed than ever and on a much better level than what we used to be. I no longer have all that negativity going on inside me because I know he's going to be there no matter what and he feels the same.

Another interesting thing that came out of this is that when he did have an interest in doing that, he would spend a little time with the person and than come back with a much stronger appreciation of me. I don't know what was said, but it made him think "Man, I have a great lady" hmmm. Ladies, I have to give this word of caution though, I am not sure this would work with all guys. He has been around this industry since he was a young child and he has developed a strong immunity to sex based relationships because of it. He can walk through a roomful of naked playboy bunnies and not bat an eye at any of them.

This isn't for everyone, but give it some thought. It may change your relationship for the better. Ok enough of the book I'm writing.

BB,

Starr